


After the Ferris Wheel

by Gruzzle



Series: Forget the Ferris Wheel [3]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mixed Cannon, POV Simon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-05-19 22:39:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14882549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gruzzle/pseuds/Gruzzle
Summary: Simon doesn't meet Blue on the ferris wheel, but he does find a note in his car...





	1. You Had My Heart Inside of Your Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And there, neatly folded, is a blue-green piece of construction paper. Funny prickles pull at my skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to apologize because I am constantly changing this chapter. I can't seem to get the voice consistent and I'm having trouble letting it go.

Let’s just say the ferris wheel thing was a failure and leave it there. 

  
The next morning I can barely drag myself out of bed in time for school. My head is fuzzy and my thoughts feel slow and stupid. Dress. Shower. Brush. Whatever. Just get out the freaking door. There is a dull ache that is just starting to pound in my chest, but I’m not ready to face it yet. I am still so, so tired. I could sleep all day. I could maybe even sleep all week.

I open the door to my beat up Volvo, plunking my backpack into the passenger seat. I crank up the radio to keep myself from falling asleep on the way to school. I can't even work up the energy to pull out my iPod right now. Adele’s Rolling in the Deep is playing. It’s cheesy and totally not my usual style, but it’s weirdly perfect. It definitely handles cranking up.  _The scars of your love remind me of us._ I can't believe I never understood her genius before. 

I don’t have time to stop for coffee, which is probably just going to make my day a bigger freaking nightmare than I'm already planning on. It's just as well, I'm not sure listening to full volume Adele is something I want to do in public right now anyway. Not even in front of a drive-through barista. I'm starting to think I need more words for different types of humiliation. I promise myself to Google some synonyms later. And maybe more words for awkwardness too. I have to stop my brain from composing a cute email about this to Blue. I make myself focus on the lyrics,  _We could have had it all._ The gospel of Adele is so true.

I pull into the school parking lot, but I have to park like forever away because I’m pretty much the last one there. I pull my bag off the passenger seat, and there, neatly folded, is a blue-green piece of construction paper. Funny prickles pull at my skin and the tiredness recedes.

The writing is dark blue, neat and crazy straight. It’s perfect handwriting, because of course it is. I feel a familiar melting feeling in my heart that kind of freezes again as I realize,  _Blue was THERE_. He had to have slipped this into my car last night. My eyes start to burn when I imagine him watching me up on that stupid ferris wheel. I take a deep breath,  _get it together Spier_. Blue was there and he didn’t want to meet me and that’s how it is. I really did mean it when I said “no pressure.” Even though the loss still aches, it’s seriously time get my shit together and move on. Honestly, it's pissing me off a little that he left me a note instead of just leaving me alone.

I’m scared to death to read the note, but I'm still kind of addicted to the feeling I get when I see messages from Blue. So even though I’m sure this is going to be his official break up or whatever, I can’t help myself.

_Simon –_

_You do deserve a great love story, so I’m leaving it to you to decide if you still want me to be a part of it. I’m sorry I couldn't be there for you tonight. It was hard to watch you there and be too paralyzed to do anything. Don’t think I didn’t come because I don't like you or I’m not attracted to you. I do. Both of those things. I’m putting it here, on paper, so that hopefully you will believe me. I want to run my hands through your messy curls and I love the way you put yourself out there in the world, I love the way you smile a little bit too long. I love that fact that you believe in big romantic gestures that I find terrifying._

_If you will offer me a second chance, I still want to talk to you in person. Maybe we could try somewhere a little more private this time?_

  * _Love, B_



Underneath, in much smaller and slightly less neat handwriting, is a phone number.

He still likes me. He still thinks about touching me. He gave me his phone number. My skin is on fire and the pavement suddenly seems a lot closer. Oh... so this is what swooning feels like.

That’s when it dawns on me. God, I’m such a moron. Why would I have called Blue out in public like that? He’s been so secretive and so clear on not being ready to be out. The whole idea that he would join me so publicly was based on Simon logic for sure. It was a poetic gesture, yes, but definitely based on a flimsy idea. Why couldn’t I have figured out a way for us to meet somewhere no one else would be able figure out? I'm no better than Martin.

This note is exactly what I’ve wanted for months, but the fresh guilt that I’m piling on the existing mountain of emotional awfulness wears at me. The warmth in my body fades, the constant cooling and freezing feels like it's tiring my heart. Anyway, right now I need to get to class. I take a picture of the note and drop it back in the car. I lower my head into another day of inevitable ignominy. Maybe I’m even getting used to all the smirks, whispers, silences and sympathetic looks. No, that’s definitely a lie, but this crushing sensation is starting to feel disturbingly familiar. In this moment, in a way, I almost understand why Martin put my emails in the world. The thought doesn't make me hate the Monkey's Ass any less.


	2. Chapter 2

I hear a "Simoooon!" and I look up to find Nick and Abby leaning against my locker. They're holding hands and staring hearts into each other's eyes. Even though Abby was loud enough to be heard on the other side of Creekwood High, they haven't broken their gaze. I'm not even sure how she saw me. It's kind of hilarious until they turn to me and rearrange their faces into almost identical sympathetic looks. It's like they've been practicing.

I can't take it. "Please stop giving me meaningful looks. It's over, story ended. I just want to move on."

Abby can't resist continuing, "I'm still sorry Si. I don't know why he would blow off a cutie like you. Okay, I'm done. If you want to be over it, I'm over it." She pokes me in the cheek and wraps me in a monster hug.

"Really, I'm fine," I sigh. I can't wait for this day to be over, but I hug her back. I can't help my hugginess. It's just part of who I am, even when I'm synonym-for-humiliated Simon. I have to admit her french toast hair makes me feel hopeful that things will get better.

"I got something for you," Nick pulls Halloween Oreos out of his pocket and wow, way to misjudge a comfort gift, but I guess this means that he didn't really read the emails that closely which is kind of a relief. And also, it's after New Years, how long have these things been sitting around? Abby looks horrified, but before she can say anything I run off. "I have to run. Really, I'm okay, please stop." Please, please just let me go back to my life before it became so freaking awkward all the time.

Nick yells after me, his voice echoing on the almost-empty hallway, "I'm SO over it, just for you Si!"

I actually laugh a little.

I get to English class, and I'm not as late as I thought I was. But everyone else is there already and I'm pretty sure they all stop talking when I come in. I look down so I can't see the looks on their faces. It doesn't stop me from feeling them though.

"Spier!" I look up. Garrett is sitting on the end of the couch. "I saved you a seat."

I feel so grateful to Garrett right now, I'd bro hug him if I weren't worried about how he'd feel about PDA from Creekwood's resident Gay. I didn't know our relationship had progressed to seat saving, but you better believe on a day like today I'll take the comfy far corner over a desk in the middle. I squeeze myself in next to him while he forces everyone else squish down. The room becomes noisier with the little flurry of activity and everyone goes back to their conversations. Bram's not there and seeing Garrett without Bram makes things feel weirdly off, especially because I'm in his usual spot.

"Thanks. Um, where's Bram?"

Garrett shrugs, "I've decided to replace him with you." He looks at me like he's biting off the rest of the joke and whispers, "Actually, he's out sick today" as Mr. Wise walks in. I have to admit, Garrett's been pretty cool about everything. I think I underestimated him. I get the feeling that like the semi-douche attitude is a front for a really nice guy.

I spend all of English class obsessing about the note. I wish I had brought it inside with me it. I'm dying to touch it again. I force myself to focus on class.

The bell rings the end of class. Garrett turns to me and says, "Hey, listen, Nick and Leah and Abby are coming over tonight after school to play some video games. Are you in?" I wonder if I missed something during my ghosting, because I didn't know we were hanging out with Garrett now. Or maybe it's just Garrett's way of trying to make me feel better. Either way I'm okay with it. And as tired as I am, I appreciate the distraction. Honestly, the warmth from my friends today has taken the edge off the misery I brought to school this morning.

"Sure... yeah. I don't really play, but I'm down for hanging out, if that's okay." I tell him.

When I sit down at lunch, Garrett's with the soccer kids, so it's just me, Nick, Leah and Abby. I ask, "So we're hanging out with Garrett now?"

Nick shrugs, "Who am I to refuse? He has this amazing game collection."

Leah adds, "Why not? I mean he's a good guy, and he's been... supportive." I've seen the way Garrett looks at Leah, so I wonder if there's another motive there.

I nod and shove some french fries in my mouth so I won't have to talk for a while. I really can't pay attention to the conversation anyway. The rest of lunch I think about the note. I mean, the freaking note. Now that I have free time to think about it, I'm going pretty crazy inside.  My skin is burning hot then cold again. I wish I hadn't left it in the car so I could actually touch it. I want to have it in my pocket. God, I want to have it touching my skin, as weird as that is. I have Blue's number. I can't take it anymore. I jump up from the table and make an excuse about using the restroom before class, even though we still have like 20 minutes left of lunch. I toss my fries to the middle of the table, and trash my half-eaten hamburger. My friends are staring at me, but I don't really care.

When I punch in the number it auto-completes. No name comes up or anything, so it's someone I've probably been on group texts with or something. I consider searching my messages for it, but It seems like cheating. 

_This is is Simon. I know you probably won't get this for a little while, but I couldn't wait. I'm texting you from the school bathroom. YES, I still want to meet you!!! I think I need to apologize and I'd like to do that in person. I'm sorry if it's weird that I'm texting you this from a restroom, but I don't have a lot of privacy here._

I press send.

_And sorry for talking about the bathroom so much, I guess you didn't really need to know that. I just got overexcited._

_...in the school bathroom._

I don't assign a name to the number. I don't know what to call him right now.

I spend the rest of the school day freaking out.


	3. Chapter 3

After school I run to the car. I'm in a ridiculous mood right now, bordering on manic. I feel like I'm going to explode into tiny pieces. I'm suddenly really, really looking forward to hanging out at Garrett's.

When I check my phone, there is no message yet, which isn't surprising. If he just got out of school, he probably wouldn't have had time to reply yet.  
  
\-----

I don't think I've been to Garrett's house when there hasn't been a party to go to and it feels sort of weird. Leah answers the door with her finger raised wildly over lips, and whispers, "Shh! They're VERY busy playing games!" I head to the living room and everyone is already there. "SIMON IS HERE!" She announces at an inappropriate volume. Garrett flips her off.

Nick is sitting in a recliner trying to play some  first person shooter game with Garrett, but Abby is in his lap, giggling and intentionally trying to block his view. Garrett is sitting on the floor against the couch letting out a constant stream of trash talk directed at Nick. I'd ask them all how the mass murdering is going, but I don't think they'd hear me.

Leah plops on the edge of the couch and starts to pull out her phone. I am having none of it. I need attention and I intend to get it from someone in this room. I throw myself onto the couch, laying my head aggressively in her lap. "Why am I so laaaame??" I put a pillow melodramatically over my face.

"Awww... poor Sad Simon." She says and starts scratching behind my ears. I throw my head back and forth trying to get her to stop. "What? What? This always makes Biebs feel better," she laughs.

And suddenly I am giggling too, "I am NOT Sad Simon!" even though that assessment is totally fair.

Abby stops messing with Nick and points at me, "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!" This is why I love these guys, but also why I hate them. They really are the worst.

"What are you? Five?" I pick up a throw pill and toss it at Abby, but I accidentally hit Nick. This makes Abby laugh even harder.

Nick gives up and puts the controller down. "Wow, you guys really suck."

I maniacally try to draw Garrett in, "Are you really still playing? How can you still be playing? This is fun time!"

He rolls his eyes, "I invited you guys over to play games, bro."

"Whatever." He smacks my head. I spot a bag of pretzels sitting on the floor and I suddenly realize I'm starving because I didn't eat most of my lunch. I dive across the floor toward the bag yelling, "MY PRECIOUS" and doing a totally awesome Gollum impression before digging in. That's when I realize everyone is staring at me like I just apparated there on the floor. There's this weird silence. Even Garrett has given up playing his game. I look around innocently, "What did I do?" 

Leah gives me kind of a half squinting, half smirking look. "Well, we're glad to see you're feeling better. I mean, I guess it's understandable, it's been, like, 18 hours now."

Ugh, too many emotions there right now and _oh my God,_ I think,  _I have Blue's phone number!_  "Nooooooo.... we are not talking about that right now. In fact, we are never talking about it again. I am outlawing the topic because it never happened." I almost tell them about the note and the phone number, but I don't. "Also, these pretzels are making me thirsty."

Garrett sends me to the kitchen for sodas. I think he's thankful to get rid of me. I dig the drinks out of the fridge and check my phone. There is a message from Blue.

>>  _Hey... Are you free after school tomorrow? Maybe we could meet at Sandy's?_

_> > ...And definitely not in the school bathroom. :)_

Sandy's is this really cool old-school diner that serves amazing hot chocolate with giant blobs of whipped cream on it. No one from school goes there though, because the food is expensive and upscale and it's mostly full of 20- and 30-somethings. It's perfect.

My whole body feels like it's being pulled in weird directions, in a good way.

_YES!  I mean, to Sandy's. Not the bathroom._

The hallway back to the living room is also the hallway toward the front door. Bram and Garrett are blocking my way. They're posed, I swear, like a tableau from a play. I didn't know Bram was even here. Whatever's going on between them is super intense. Bram has his back pushed up against the wall, he's just staring at Garrett. He looks scared or something, but I can't exactly tell in the dim lighting. Garrett's is standing in the middle of the hallway. His hand resting on the wall next to Bram's head, and he's leaning in and whispering. "You're an idiot, Abraham." The look on Garrett's face is a mix of amused and irritated. I didn't know that was Bram's name, I guess Bram makes sense as a nickname. I just never thought about it. They both startle a little when they see me and I feel guilty for being there. Bram immediately shifts his gaze to the floor. Garrett moves back to let me through and shakes his head a little at Bram. I can see that Bram looks angry. I feel weird when I realize I don't think I've ever seen Bram angry before. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

As I move through the thick silence in the air to get by Bram and Garrett in the hallway, I hear a phone buzz.

I'm only inches from Bram when he reaches for his pocket and pulls his phone out.

He makes this weird jerking motion like he's been hit and gives me a terrified look. And just like that, I know.

Abraham, the first name of a president. A Jewish name.

Time slows down. Looking at Bram is watching two people merge into one. I thought he was cute before, but now. But now. It's like my heart is shaking.

Bram mostly looks like he's going to vomit.

Garrett leans back looking pleased as hell as he looks back and forth between us. He pats Bram on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear. Bram nods, but doesn't take his eyes off of me. Garrett takes all the Cokes from me except one and says, "I think Simon figured it out." He heads back down the hallway to the living room.

I can't be this lucky. Finally, I smile and blush. "Hi Blue" I whisper.

He gives me a nervous smile back. "Hi"

"Um, Garrett just said we could talk in his room." He puts a weird emphasis on the word "talk" that makes me guess what blunt limits Garrett probably set for him on the use of his room. I blush even harder.

The silent walk up to Garrett's bedroom feels is filled with all sorts of tension. I fight the urge to starting yammering because I don't know if he wants anyone to know he's here. I definitely don't want my friends seeing me slink off to Garrett's bedroom with Cute Bram Greenfeld and asking the wrong sorts of questions. Well, maybe I kind of do, but I'm not sure Bram does.

Then, Jesus, I'm alone with Blue in a freaking bedroom. What was I thinking? I blush again at what I think Garrett told Bram. But Bram actually looks more comfortable in here than he did downstairs. He closes the door and sets himself on the floor leaning against the bed. It seems to formal to sit in the desk chair, so I sit down next to him instead. Anyway, I want to be near him. I really, really want to be near him, but at the same time, it's kind of a lot. My head is spinning - everything inside me is spinning as I try to get a handle on what's happening. The look on his face is hard to read. My hand is frozen only inches from his, on the floor between us and it's weird because I can kind of feel the space between our hands.

"So... you're Blue." I realize that even though he's put his heart on the line to Simon and Jacques, that I've really only done that for Blue, in the ferris wheel post. I try to make it right, "I never imagined I would be this lucky. I mean, you've always been Cute Bram in my thoughts."

Bram's face thaws and he smiles and it's a wide open smile.

I take a deep breath, I didn't really have time to plan this, but I need to spill it out. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to force you to out yourself like that it. It was stupid. I was stupid. I just... wanted something amazing after that horrible thing with Martin and everybody. I saw the carnival and I thought -"

"Simon." I stop rambling. His face is more serious now. He's speaking softly, and his voice is warm caramel. "It's okay, really. That sense of drama is one of the things I love about you. I'm just sorry I wasn't brave enough to be up there with you." It's the most he's ever said to me, and it's so coherent and Blueish, so then it really hits me that they're the same person. Blue who thinks about kissing me, Blue who makes jokes about baguettes and cucumbers, Blue who likes to imagine me fantasizing about sex. I try not to think about that last one too hard right now. 

I stop rambling and look at Bram. I really look at him for the first time, and he's looking back at me with soft eyes and long lashes. His eyelids droop a little and his eyes lose focus. His warm voice whispers, "Can I kiss you?"  _Oh._  I nod andthe space between us disappears as I raise my hand toward his cheek and my heart explodes. It's just a short, soft, tentative kiss, but _OH_. We rest our foreheads together and breathe. "Oh" i say out loud.

As much as I'd imagined doing this with Blue, I hadn't been able to imagine feeling this with Bram. I'm standing on the edge of a high cliff, ready to fly and I want to jump, but instead I lean back against the bed. "So... at some point we have to go back downstairs."

Bram smiles mischievously and stretches his arm behind me on the bed, whispering directly into my ear, "At some point." I shiver and God, my body wants to cave, but I need to know where we stand. He sighs and leans his head against the bed too, his face turned to me. "In case it wasn't clear, I really like you Simon. I have for a long time." He hesitates and pushes forward. "I've had a crush on you since before Jacques existed."

I turn my face to him, surprised and flattered. "I had no idea." I say. 

"I thought I was so obvious." He looks down. "So, before we go downstairs... what are we?" He asks tentatively.

I decide to put my heart out there again. I swallow. "Bram, getting to know you over email these last few months has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know we didn't establish anything, but Blue has been almost all I've been able to think about for a while now. He's made me feel like my skin's on fire, just like you do now. And when I said all those times I wanted to meet you, it wasn't just because I was curious. And now I have met you, you're, like, the hottest guy I've ever seen. I'd really love to be your boyfriend." I look at his eyes. "I'm sorry if that's cheesy."

Bram is actually smiling at me, he looks so happy. I've never seen his face look so open and it feels like magic. "I've always wanted to be your boyfriend, Simon."

I quickly add, "Can we still have our date tomorrow?"

He laughs, "I actually have a better idea than Sandy's."

"Is it the boy's bathroom?" 

Bram giggles.

And then we fly. Bram runs his hand through my hair as our lips meet again. I don't ever want to stop kissing him.

____________

 

When we finally do go downstairs, we go holding hands. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I take a deep breath and look at Bram to make sure he’s okay. I’m fully aware that since he’s not that close with most of us, this will be a kind of public coming out for him.

We come back downstairs. Just outside the living room, I take a deep breath and look at Bram to make sure he’s okay. I’m fully aware that since he’s not that close with most of us, this will be a kind of public coming out for him.

“It’s not too late to run.” I say, only half joking.

Bram nods, “Don’t think it didn’t cross my mind.” He makes this adorable little half smile, and takes a deep breath and whispers softly in my ear, “But no. I’m all in.” Everything he does or says is adorable or hot. Right now, his breath in my ear makes me want to push him into the wall and kiss his face off, but I can feel him tensing up beside me, and I think it’s probably better to just get this over with.

Everyone is facing away from us, and at first I think this maybe will be anti-climactic. I don’t know why I think that, I mean I know these people. Garrett sees us immediately. He gets that same shit-eating grin that he had in the hallway and yells, “It’s about freaking TIME!” He runs in and gives us both bro hugs.  With Garrett’s announcement all the heads jerk toward us like puppets and I can feel Bram blushing furiously beside me. I squeeze his hand again. The next few seconds take place in slow motion as the others try to figure out what Garrett is so excited about. It’s like I can see their simultaneous puppet heads move from our faces to where our hands are clasped together.  

Nick just looks confused and gives me a questioning look. I give him a big grin. He smiles back at me and goes back to his guitar. Abby’s eyes widen as she sees her hands, and then her mouth breaks into a wide grin. She jumps out of her chair like she’s on fire and she actually squeals. “Does this mean what I think it means?”

I’m blushing furiously at all the attention, and I manage an “Um..”, and nod at the ground “She runs up and gives me a hug and gives us both a simultaneous poke in the cheek, “You guys are adorable. I can’t even right now.” The amused look on Bram’s face at being poked in the cheek is hilarious and fascinating. Until today, I’ve honestly never seen him with an expression that isn’t some variation of embarrassment. I guiltily that I haven’t really seen him at all.

We plop ourselves next to Leah on the couch. She is watching us with an expression I can’t read. She doesn’t look angry or upset or anything, just like she’s thinking hard about something. “Congratulations. I’m happy for you.” She offers.

“Thank you,” I give her a genuine smile because I actually really love that she’s not making a big deal out of this. I smile at Nick too, for the same reason, even though he’s not looking at us anymore.

Abby on the hand, is almost dancing with excitement. She absolutely lives for this kind of thing. Just then something dawns on her and she stares at Garrett, “GARRETT! YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?”

Bram jerks his head up and Garrett and Bram have a silent conversation. Garrett barely raises his eyebrows. Bram frowns and gives his head a little shake. Garrett nods almost imperceptibly in response. Bram’s series of subtle expressions make my heart twist for some reason.

Garrett’s grin disappears and he just says, “Um, maybe just since, like, twenty minutes ago. In the hallway.” He dodges any more questions by going back to his game.

Abby looks at me and tips her head toward her shoulder. I shrug. I can tell she’s dying for more information, but this is Bram’s story too and I’m not telling anyone anything without his permission. She does another little happy dance and sits down on the floor next to Nick.

The conversation wanders away from us, and I find I’m not sure how to sit next to Bram yet. It feels wonderful, but also awkward. I want to snuggle in next to him, but I’m not sure if we’re doing that in front of other people. Our knees press together, and I can feel the heat radiating off his body. It’s shooting electricity through my skin. Is it possible for his knee to be this sexy? All I can think about is kissing him again.

“So… about PDA…” I say softly so only Bram can hear.

He gives me a hypnotic grin and puts his arm around me, pulling me closer. I draw my legs up to the couch and rest my head against his shoulder. He feels firm, in a good way. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this happy.

He also speaks softly, “I mean, don’t think I’m ready to make out in front of them yet. And I’m not sure about school, I mean I don’t want to actively keep this a secret, but I also don’t want…” He bites his lip.

I try to focus on the rest of the sentence, even though hearing Bram’s deep voice saying the words “make out” nearly makes me faint.

“I don’t want any more trouble for you… for either of us.” He eventually continues.

I nod, and I want to tell him that most of what made the past few weeks so hard was the loneliness, but this is a conversation that we can continue later. Being out is newer and different for him than it is for me. What it means to be out is a topic we can redefine later.

 

 


End file.
